Sleeping Sickness, I Couldn't Sleep

I could never sleep
With someone next to me
For three reasons:

The first
because I'm fearful
That you'll stop breathing in your sleep
The idea of you dying alone
Without someone next to you
Without anyone knowing how it happened
Did the breaths just stop?
Did your throat rattle?
Frightens me.
What if I could have woken you
Before you forgot to breathe again
What if I woke you
You remembered
And lived
What if
That's one reason.

The second is
The night leaves me a restless fiend
For open windows
and the sound of doors closing
The feeling of being the one turning the knob
Like a god, twisting the earth
to meet its other side
The moon calls me out
And I love her more, so I go
I want to die alone
I have no desire
to have anyone by my side
I want my last moments to be only mine
Die secret. Silent and shaking like old films.

Here, I love you most
Silent, open mouthed
And I know you love me
And I know you're a coward
But in the night
You are none of these and everything
I see the moon under your eyes and i
Want to love you
But you're asleep and I'm awake
I want to leave you before you notice
I have become so vulnerable
You're electricity in the bed
And I'm a puddle in the sheets
I become just like the others before me
My body- a copy, my soul is not present here
I become a traitor to my own body
I feel alone and ghostly
And I can't sleep because you might explode and kill me
And I do not want to die
With someone next to me
I don't want to be anyone's ghost
When I'm gone I want to be gone
A this time happening that will happen again
But not in this circumstance
Not with these people.

The third is that when I do sleep
I have nightmares of you leaving
Waking up and being left
No note, no explanation
As if you were not even a perception
As if your existence never mattered
Because it only came once
And it would make sense
for you to leave how you came
But you didn't come only once
You came again and again and again
I couldn't stand to watch you
die again and again and again
I'm scared to love you when you're awake
your open eyes carry mistakes
But they’re not mistakes at all
I want you to admit them
Smash your clock
Take off your clothes
And stare at me all night
To tease the day into forgetting
That it steals lovers away
That it makes the sound of alarm clocks
And car ignitions and keys
As if the night never mattered at all
I want to make love to you when the sun peaks
Sleepy, still drunken on moonbeams
Singing poems of single words in your ear
Mangito. Melon. Saboroso.
And you will eat them all up for breakfast
And the sun will be mad
That we are still together
Shameless.

rust collector

i want the moon right now
and i want to be alone.

i wish you knew
how it feels
to have the seconds grow inside of you
like rust eating at the bones
time will not heal me.

you left me
with an aching down to my ankles
it feels like i've been crawling on wooden panels
for days

you left me
with hips swollen--an open rejection
i should have taken you all in, i know
but i couldn't just yet and so

you left me
back aching
from bending over backwards for you
while you tucked me away
made your get-a-way
and tip toed across my spine
while i
bridge position with hands tied
how did you ever expect me to catch you
without leaving myself paralyzed?

You hide inside every inch of me,
tell me, how am i supposed to let you go
without breaking myself into pieces?

and how can a mess of flesh on the floor
ever walk upright again?

This is my contemplation
as i am broken
this is my pain, my heartbreak
my struggle to steal handfuls
of time to swallow
because i can't go any longer
throwing up the sun for you
i have nothing more to prove to you

so strip me of my skin, rip the heart from my chest
while i stand naked
taking the blows, drinking the poison
but just because i stood vulnerable
never made me weak or less than human
just maybe too much woman
though

I wish you could have known me
in my deepest moments
where i slipped out of this skin
that kept me from letting you in
those nights when i was full and open
unexplored, untouched
where i was not this broken girl
who could never give enough

i wish you could've known me
those nights I would love every little piece of you
without even touching you
love every bit of impulsiveness
that would leave me at the foot of your carelessness
i love all your faults and accidents
i wanted to love you and have your faults and accidents...

but we never gave each other a real chance
just molded each other hourglass
as if time was always running out
but we were the only ones always running out
only this time you went alone and took to the window
pressed glass into my mouth
"I'll never forget you"
Now swollen tongue, rust collector
"i will never give up on you"

and i will lay boneless, spineless
in layers of skin, in emptiness
on mornings like this (and every morning since)
when the hours roll into minutes
and i live
in infinite longing for you
to pick me up and take me back to bed
a puddle in front of your footprints
i won't leave the place you left me in
because i have no way of standing up.

Paintings

This past summer I took a break from writing and taught myself how to paint. It has been an amazing experience and has helped me grow tremendously and creatively. Enjoy!

Inner child

 Mixed media on canvas

Dead Weight

 Mixed Media on canvas

 Sad Sunshine

Acrylic on drywall

 Starstruck heartstrings

acrylic on drywall

 Sad Sunshine and Rabbit

Acrylic on drywall

 Gemini Childe: Half for me, Half for you

Acrylic on drywall

 For Jayr

Acrylic on drywall

 Purple bruises

Acrylic on canvas

 acrylic on canvas

 mixed media and flowers on drywall

 Salvage what is still beautiful

Set Sights on higher things

Let dreams carry you.

Mixed media on canvas

Hope Happens When Pigs Fly

Acrylic on canvas

Chicken Legs

For Eddie
Acrylic on canvas
traded for Asura vinyl
_____________
Legs long like moon beams
from behind our sun
we come from both sides
the wrong sides
and ended up
somewhere between
belittled occurrences and child's play
young, restless, chicken legs we carry
tossing and ticking
our glasses full of stardust
against walls holding our chins up
great things happen
when you close your eyes
like blinking 20,000 slides
of everything that could have happened.

i am a keeper of things

I remember the old man on the subway. And when everyone moved, I stayed. I kept him and I keep him. And he wasn't old at all. I remember 25/34 and a rose. I kept them and I keep it. I remember the woman in Verona. I gave her my smile instead of some coins and she gave me her with a missing tooth but she knew more than I did. I kept her too. I remember them too, each of them, no labels nothing to hold onto. I keep them. I remember his singing voice stirring and jolting like the wind and water and heat. I remember how they moved too and I stayed. I remember his eyes like the water used to be and he was singing. I keep him and I'll keep him. I remember those twin souls, so beautiful. I remember the dead bird in front of my house. I remember my bird and how he flew away and that's okay. I remember you, yellow eyes full of question and how I turned away. I remember circle, circle, dot, dot, ten bullets in your back! And popcorn kernels and barbeque sauce. I remember the lemonade. I remember how he choked on his own blood and died and I wish I would've held your hand then. I remember how she jumped off the freeway ramp. Free baby bird. I remember foam in the mouth and why'd you have to go and killed yourself in a bathroom. I remember goodmorning tea parties. I, am a keeper of things. I remember those beautiful things. I remember those beautiful faces and those beautiful deeds. I remember my father's santeria remedies. I remember her fierce kindness and how I took it for granted. I remember his treasures, him, golden. I remember meeting my fever on a bench. I remember how he apologized. I remember their secrets. I remember their fear. I remember every scar, every dimple, every curve of bone. I remember how he dreamed in sleep. I remember nose breath and teeth. I remember being a naked mermaid in a sink and I remember where they touched me without asking. I remember and I remember. I remember james and his tears in my hands. I remember seeing a star dip behind the shadows. I remember how he called me joyful and his friend and how much it meant. I remember being one of two choices and sad that I didn't lose. I'll keep her too. I remember twin ladybug souls. I remember headless barbies. I remember beach boy jesus god and dancing like oh that never felt so good and I remember being loved. And I remember being taught to be brave and saving spiders from being drowned in the sink. I remember how he introduced himself as loving me already. and that's so wonderful, really. I remember. And I remember loving you, scared but true. I remember being loved and this, this is for you, everyone. I love you.

all i am

All I am
are thoughts thought before
and a body of recycled cells.
Nothing belongs to me
And I belong to nothing.
There is no "we."
And I think that's where hope comes in.
Hope that (we) and more than (our)selves.
Hope
For more than who, more than what.
More that truth, more than perception.
I am more than myself.
_________
written inside a hole in the wall 
somewhere summer 2008.