home

 

never settle.

bodies

Bend, but don't break

Bodies, let's keep it that way.

getting over my fear of the ocean

birds
don't always fly in flocks and
don't always fly in pairs.

NaPoWriMo 10/30*

You called me your lover

Though we never made love

we made

Bites, kisses, and teases

Cocooned ourselves into each other's touch

You were

First love

Sometimes hate

And we spiraled in between

Victim and selfish

Hanging our skins

On each other's clothing lines

Who knew

The rain would last months

Before we realized

The sun

Doesn't like to see us

Teasing each other clean

With

Scalpels, scissors, staples

Trying to quilt ourselves

Into ideal

Breaking the silk

Until

We laid

Stiff butterflies

Eyes closed tight

Biting at our half grown wings

Blaming one for the other

Until I remembered

Only the sun can dry

Wet hearts

And tired eyes

So I flew

Crooked and new

Eyes wide open

But please

Don't pardon me

I do not need apologies

Because I knew what I was doing

When I picked a lover

With broken hands

And a spine so arrogant

That

I could feel it collapse

Behind my breath

And you knew what you were doing

when you slammed fists over wings

To keep me from flying

Your flighty lover

Who loved the moon

More than she could ever love you

Sought shelter in the night

Waiting to take flight

Before the sun could rise

But fell limp

Tied by the hips to a pair

Of broken hands

We ripped each other

Limb by limb

Trying to fit

Safely into each other's arms

We were

An armless love

A strange cocoon

That broke under the sun

We loved

Less than ourselves

A torn quilt

Built to shield

Us from drowning

But I grew tired of

Holding my breath.

Sleeping Sickness, I Couldn't Sleep

I could never sleep
With someone next to me
For three reasons:

The first
because I'm fearful
That you'll stop breathing in your sleep
The idea of you dying alone
Without someone next to you
Without anyone knowing how it happened
Did the breaths just stop?
Did your throat rattle?
Frightens me.
What if I could have woken you
Before you forgot to breathe again
What if I woke you
You remembered
And lived
What if
That's one reason.

The second is
The night leaves me a restless fiend
For open windows
and the sound of doors closing
The feeling of being the one turning the knob
Like a god, twisting the earth
to meet its other side
The moon calls me out
And I love her more, so I go
I want to die alone
I have no desire
to have anyone by my side
I want my last moments to be only mine
Die secret. Silent and shaking like old films.

Here, I love you most
Silent, open mouthed
And I know you love me
And I know you're a coward
But in the night
You are none of these and everything
I see the moon under your eyes and i
Want to love you
But you're asleep and I'm awake
I want to leave you before you notice
I have become so vulnerable
You're electricity in the bed
And I'm a puddle in the sheets
I become just like the others before me
My body- a copy, my soul is not present here
I become a traitor to my own body
I feel alone and ghostly
And I can't sleep because you might explode and kill me
And I do not want to die
With someone next to me
I don't want to be anyone's ghost
When I'm gone I want to be gone
A this time happening that will happen again
But not in this circumstance
Not with these people.

The third is that when I do sleep
I have nightmares of you leaving
Waking up and being left
No note, no explanation
As if you were not even a perception
As if your existence never mattered
Because it only came once
And it would make sense
for you to leave how you came
But you didn't come only once
You came again and again and again
I couldn't stand to watch you
die again and again and again
I'm scared to love you when you're awake
your open eyes carry mistakes
But they’re not mistakes at all
I want you to admit them
Smash your clock
Take off your clothes
And stare at me all night
To tease the day into forgetting
That it steals lovers away
That it makes the sound of alarm clocks
And car ignitions and keys
As if the night never mattered at all
I want to make love to you when the sun peaks
Sleepy, still drunken on moonbeams
Singing poems of single words in your ear
Mangito. Melon. Saboroso.
And you will eat them all up for breakfast
And the sun will be mad
That we are still together
Shameless.

rust collector

i want the moon right now
and i want to be alone.

i wish you knew
how it feels
to have the seconds grow inside of you
like rust eating at the bones
time will not heal me.

you left me
with an aching down to my ankles
it feels like i've been crawling on wooden panels
for days

you left me
with hips swollen--an open rejection
i should have taken you all in, i know
but i couldn't just yet and so

you left me
back aching
from bending over backwards for you
while you tucked me away
made your get-a-way
and tip toed across my spine
while i
bridge position with hands tied
how did you ever expect me to catch you
without leaving myself paralyzed?

You hide inside every inch of me,
tell me, how am i supposed to let you go
without breaking myself into pieces?

and how can a mess of flesh on the floor
ever walk upright again?

This is my contemplation
as i am broken
this is my pain, my heartbreak
my struggle to steal handfuls
of time to swallow
because i can't go any longer
throwing up the sun for you
i have nothing more to prove to you

so strip me of my skin, rip the heart from my chest
while i stand naked
taking the blows, drinking the poison
but just because i stood vulnerable
never made me weak or less than human
just maybe too much woman
though

I wish you could have known me
in my deepest moments
where i slipped out of this skin
that kept me from letting you in
those nights when i was full and open
unexplored, untouched
where i was not this broken girl
who could never give enough

i wish you could've known me
those nights I would love every little piece of you
without even touching you
love every bit of impulsiveness
that would leave me at the foot of your carelessness
i love all your faults and accidents
i wanted to love you and have your faults and accidents...

but we never gave each other a real chance
just molded each other hourglass
as if time was always running out
but we were the only ones always running out
only this time you went alone and took to the window
pressed glass into my mouth
"I'll never forget you"
Now swollen tongue, rust collector
"i will never give up on you"

and i will lay boneless, spineless
in layers of skin, in emptiness
on mornings like this (and every morning since)
when the hours roll into minutes
and i live
in infinite longing for you
to pick me up and take me back to bed
a puddle in front of your footprints
i won't leave the place you left me in
because i have no way of standing up.

Paintings

This past summer I took a break from writing and taught myself how to paint. It has been an amazing experience and has helped me grow tremendously and creatively. Enjoy!

Inner child

 Mixed media on canvas

Dead Weight

 Mixed Media on canvas

 Sad Sunshine

Acrylic on drywall

 Starstruck heartstrings

acrylic on drywall

 Sad Sunshine and Rabbit

Acrylic on drywall

 Gemini Childe: Half for me, Half for you

Acrylic on drywall

 For Jayr

Acrylic on drywall

 Purple bruises

Acrylic on canvas

 acrylic on canvas

 mixed media and flowers on drywall

 Salvage what is still beautiful

Set Sights on higher things

Let dreams carry you.

Mixed media on canvas

Hope Happens When Pigs Fly

Acrylic on canvas