rust collector

i want the moon right now
and i want to be alone.

i wish you knew
how it feels
to have the seconds grow inside of you
like rust eating at the bones
time will not heal me.

you left me
with an aching down to my ankles
it feels like i've been crawling on wooden panels
for days

you left me
with hips swollen--an open rejection
i should have taken you all in, i know
but i couldn't just yet and so

you left me
back aching
from bending over backwards for you
while you tucked me away
made your get-a-way
and tip toed across my spine
while i
bridge position with hands tied
how did you ever expect me to catch you
without leaving myself paralyzed?

You hide inside every inch of me,
tell me, how am i supposed to let you go
without breaking myself into pieces?

and how can a mess of flesh on the floor
ever walk upright again?

This is my contemplation
as i am broken
this is my pain, my heartbreak
my struggle to steal handfuls
of time to swallow
because i can't go any longer
throwing up the sun for you
i have nothing more to prove to you

so strip me of my skin, rip the heart from my chest
while i stand naked
taking the blows, drinking the poison
but just because i stood vulnerable
never made me weak or less than human
just maybe too much woman
though

I wish you could have known me
in my deepest moments
where i slipped out of this skin
that kept me from letting you in
those nights when i was full and open
unexplored, untouched
where i was not this broken girl
who could never give enough

i wish you could've known me
those nights I would love every little piece of you
without even touching you
love every bit of impulsiveness
that would leave me at the foot of your carelessness
i love all your faults and accidents
i wanted to love you and have your faults and accidents...

but we never gave each other a real chance
just molded each other hourglass
as if time was always running out
but we were the only ones always running out
only this time you went alone and took to the window
pressed glass into my mouth
"I'll never forget you"
Now swollen tongue, rust collector
"i will never give up on you"

and i will lay boneless, spineless
in layers of skin, in emptiness
on mornings like this (and every morning since)
when the hours roll into minutes
and i live
in infinite longing for you
to pick me up and take me back to bed
a puddle in front of your footprints
i won't leave the place you left me in
because i have no way of standing up.